I Just Got A Text

Alternative Birthday Message

2011-03-08T22:52:00.000Z

Shakespeare died on his birthday.

Bad Day

2010-08-03T23:39:00.001+01:00

You at home? I need tea, a hug and something to puke into.

R.I.P.

2010-03-16T22:11:00.002Z

Megan (upon returning from holidays): Where's the hamster?

Zara: Heaven.

Your Ma 2

2010-02-12T21:10:00.001Z

Not if I kill you first, that is legal contract, so's your ma

TPs second drunken text to Mark

Your Ma

2010-02-12T21:04:00.002Z

Fall asleep and then see who's sister/ma begs for anal sex, hint its you'r ma/sister, ps i love your ma

TP's drunken text to Mark

Good Night

2009-12-26T02:23:00.001Z

Sorry for ripping up your money.

Later...

And punching you

Ian to Carla

The Caller

2009-09-22T20:34:00.002+01:00

They had the voice of an axe rapist.

Karl on a wrong number caller

VIP Balls

2009-09-22T20:31:00.002+01:00

Electric Picnic was great. I'm gonna have to do it every year I'm here. And free unless the line up can't be missed. Starting to think if you go down to a festival, and you bring your balls along, you'll get it.

Fin on sneaking into EP for free

Is That All?

2009-09-22T20:28:00.000+01:00

Karl: Any scandal?

Orna: Got pregnant by my long lost half brother just after he murdered my sexy new housemate now I've discovered I've got finger cancer and we're all holding our breath to see if little jimmy is gonna dance on his injured leg and win regionals.

High Hopes

2009-08-05T14:00:00.000+01:00

Girl on bus: We'll go straight to the top and stay there. Just like Cyndi Lauper.

Another broken phone?!

2009-08-05T01:40:00.004+01:00

You go through phones like Luke goes through vodka.

-Megan

Rapist's Wit

2009-08-04T23:12:00.002+01:00

C: Why do they call it 'a rapist's wit'? That's really horrible.

F: Softens the emotional blow if you tell a joke during.

C: Like 'I'm usually bigger, I swear. I'm just cold.'

F: Oh god. We're going to hell.

C: See you there my friend.

F: I'll be the one holding up the queue complaining about the mix up.

Dream Job

2009-08-04T23:11:00.005+01:00

That's guy that touches up porn just got on my bus!

- Zara

Here's Hoping

2009-08-04T23:09:00.002+01:00

My wallet turned up in Pearse Street Garda station. Do you think someone maybe filled it with money?

- Gillett

Model Employee

2009-08-04T23:03:00.004+01:00

I've drank two red bulls, and one bottle of water. That's 8 quid, plus the 80 they're paying me. I've pulled two pints at 6 quid each meaning at the moment they're operating a 76 euro loss on me personally. So far so fucking good.

Forgot about food. 91 quid loss. Tossers.

- T working at a music festival bar

Hangover From Hell

2009-08-04T23:01:00.001+01:00

Ian: Carla I'm dying.

Carla: Me too. This has got to be worse than people with swine flu.

Ian: Those lucky cunts.

Show Some Respect

2009-08-04T23:00:00.003+01:00

I could hit Bono with my shoe from here.

- Fin on his prime position at U2 in Croke Park

Service With A Smile

2009-08-04T22:57:00.003+01:00

Guy in the queue for the nightlink ticket seller:

'Could I have 2 tickets please...and a smile?'

The guy smiled forcefully. Fucking hilarious!

- Zara

What Do You Look For In A Woman?

2009-07-25T01:49:00.001+01:00

I have just realised that sign language is incredibly attractive.

- Ian

That's Attractive

2009-06-08T23:35:00.001+01:00

A girl just squatted and pissed infront of my office window.

- Ian

When I Grow Up....

2009-06-04T14:54:00.005+01:00

I'm no mess, I'm lovely. I'm talking to the taxi man about becoming a taxi driver. He doesn't want me to be one. I think it's because he's afraid I'd take all his jobs because I'm better looking than he is. Pat Kenny is lovely.

The Perfect Gift

2009-06-04T14:48:00.001+01:00

You're right, nothing says I missed you like cigars.

-Ralph

I'm Supposed To Be Studying......

2009-06-04T14:43:00.004+01:00

Study is painful. I've been trying to do anything but this morning. My all time low was when I reparked all the cars in the drive way to face the right way. Now, I've progressed from shoes clearing to clothes sorting.

-Clem

Work Ethic

2009-05-25T11:49:00.000+01:00

Work was grand, the manager gave me a manager badge so I was pretending I had power all night. It was quite corrupting. I can see what happened to Hitler.

- Gillett
- Illustration by Eoin O'Sullivan

History Lesson

2009-05-14T18:22:00.003+01:00

Tall and blonde? Sounds like Hitler would have loved him.

-Sandy

Bad Christian

2009-05-14T18:19:00.005+01:00

They don't serve communion with Singapore Slings here.

-Mark still drinking in a church

Good Point

2009-05-14T18:16:00.004+01:00

But I mean, do you want to look like a million bucks tomorrow or a million shits?

-Carla being the voice of reason on going home early and not staying out the night before the Trinity Ball

Good Christian

2009-05-14T18:13:00.004+01:00

I'm drinking in a church. At least I didn't miss mass today!

-Mark

What's The Plan?

2009-05-13T23:50:00.004+01:00

Kev: What's the plan for before the Trinity Ball?

Ian: Pints, collecting tickets and then a bbq beforehand.

Kev: Before what?

Kylie Minogue

2009-05-13T23:48:00.003+01:00

Zara: I fucking love Kylie.

Dave: I would love to make fucking with Kylie.

What's That Over There?

2009-05-13T23:34:00.003+01:00

I was just sitting down watching the TV there, when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It was a spider crawling on my hand. I soiled my trousers.

- Ralph

Good Question

2009-05-13T23:25:00.003+01:00

If a guy could and does suck himself off, does that make him gay?

- Andy

Lucky Girl

2009-05-11T22:08:00.003+01:00

Looks like you have an admirer who gets the bus from Camden Street...

- Andy

Drinking Alone

2009-05-11T21:41:00.006+01:00

Here what are you doing cos there's no one in my house and there's cans in the fridge and if I'm talking to you it's not drinking alone. Oh god I'm gonna go open one maybe.

- Fin at 6am

Shudder

2009-05-11T21:36:00.004+01:00

I just had one of those horrible moments when your finger breaks through the toilet paper.

- Ciaran

Social Drinks 7

2009-05-03T16:26:00.003+01:00

I'm in hideous amounts of pain. I feel like someone raped my face with a cocktail.

-Carla

Social Drinks 6

2009-05-03T16:24:00.004+01:00

They say it was the complimentary bottle fo Proseco and international phone shots with Mark that did the damage.

-Carla

You Philistine!

2009-05-03T16:21:00.005+01:00

You wouldn't know culture if it raped your family.

-Donal

Best Of Luck

2009-05-03T16:14:00.005+01:00

Good luck tonight, remember you guys put the J in DJ. And the D.

-Ralph

Lucky He'd Get It

2009-05-03T16:02:00.006+01:00

Zara: Brody Jenner's new programme is shocking. He's lucky he'd get it.

Carla: I suppose it was expected to be shocking. The man wears one leather glove when he goes clubbing in Vegas for God's sake. So lucky he'd get it.

Do My Shoulders Look Fat In This?

2009-05-03T15:56:00.005+01:00

I'm in a changing room and I just heard a woman say "It just doesn't do justice to your shoulders." Sometimes I am ashamed to be female.

-Carla

So How Was Work?

2009-05-03T15:44:00.006+01:00

Some Millie grabbed my ass, a gay guy complimented my 'big arms' and one of the lads in work said when I'm around, he constantly feels like he's about to be poisoned. But all in all, a good night.

-Gillett

Like A Sale At Powercity...

2009-05-03T15:37:00.007+01:00

Hey, so if you want a booty call, just give me a buzz! This weekend only, everything must go!

-Anonymous

So Thats What He's Saying...

2009-05-03T15:34:00.005+01:00

This is what I thought they were saying in the song: "Let me see that fancy footwork" = "Let me hear that man say flip flop."

-Paddy

I Hate You

2009-05-03T15:30:00.004+01:00

I just made you look at your phone for nothing. Its great being in control. I just wasted 0.03% of your battery. Who's my bitch? You're my bitch!! Now put the fucker down and get on with your business til I need you again.

-Donal

Is It? Is It Really?

2009-05-03T15:28:00.006+01:00

I really regret not hooking up more when I was still in school, I just didn't see the urgency. Now those day are gone and I can only lament them. And stare at school girls. Its not pervy, its romantic.

-Ralph

Don Juan

2009-05-03T15:21:00.004+01:00

Sugarcoat me tonight, and I'll make your dreams come true.

- A text Donal received from his straight basketball teammate

I Just Wanna Go Home

2009-05-03T15:13:00.003+01:00

I've been waiting for a taxi for ages. I'd even take a lift from a rapist at this stage.

- Anonymous

So The Gig Is Good Then?

2009-05-03T15:12:00.006+01:00

We got refused from the bar, refused from the pit and there are scary hairy men down here.

-Lisa at Kings Of Leon

Back Me Up Here...

2009-04-24T23:55:00.003+01:00

You know Jurassic 5? It's a DJ group Leo thinks is famous. He must die. Tell him they don't exist.

- Paddy

Too Soon For Visitors?

2009-04-24T23:50:00.003+01:00

Are people going out to score your son today?

- Andy 5 days after Carla's baby brother was born

Unlovely Day

2009-04-21T14:30:00.005+01:00

I'm pouring out all the dregs from the cans from Friday and I can tell exactly how many Fin drank because all of his ones have big horrible mouthfuls of spit in them. Lovely it is not.

- Ralph

I Don't Think That Will Work

2009-04-21T14:22:00.004+01:00

Paddy will you text Lorraine and tell her her phone is in the kitchen?

- Paddy's Mum

Hey Mum & Dad

2009-04-21T14:18:00.006+01:00

Hey mum and dad. I hate this cunt so much. Why doesn't he just die. I can't wait til he's gone or dies.

I'd rather be out with a black lesbian quadraplegic. Whatever. I'll pretend to have fun.

I just can't be myself around this guy. He's nice but not the kind of person I'd want to be my friend.

I hate SO much that you made me have to go out with this guy!

I hate this shit so much! But I'll pretend like I'm having fun!

If I have to spend another night with this guy I will kill someone. Seriously!

Don't tell him I told you all that.

Please ignore all the messages I sent. I don't really mean all of it. He's ok. Just stupid.

- The messages Paddy sent his dad on a night out with a German house guest he'd been put in charge of looking after for the night.

Just Call Me Miss Matchmaker

2009-04-16T21:12:00.004+01:00

Orla's drunk. I'd try........

-Megan trying to unite Orla & Orla's male suiter

I Think I'll Just Have A Quiet One Tonight...

2009-04-16T20:56:00.006+01:00

My body is a temple and last night I smeared shit all over the walls of said temple. Gotta let that temple heal.

-Ralph

Mixed Signals

2009-04-16T20:54:00.006+01:00

Ok, I'm going to stop texting you now because I hate you. Coffee tomorrow?

-Carla

Babies Do The Cutest Things

2009-04-08T23:21:00.004+01:00

Never thought of 'the baby is coming' in such terms as I just have. Little fucker jerkin off in the womb. Havin a feel of the walls.

- Fin

Jetlag

2009-04-08T23:20:00.002+01:00

Shawty you so fly you giving me jetlag.

- Paddy

Sewing

2009-03-30T01:20:00.006+01:00

(19.11) Can you sew

(19.13) That was meant to have a question mark and then a command to get sewing but I sent it prematurely. But at least I got the change from can you sex to can you sew in. Now get sewing.

-Fin

Social Drinks 5

2009-03-30T01:17:00.003+01:00

I'm beginning to think that social drinks are a bit like Santa; something your parents tell you about so you'll be good, but ultimately a lie.

-Tully

The Joys of Teaching.....

2009-03-30T01:13:00.004+01:00

So.....today I was hit by the biggest piece of snot EVER from the sneeze of a junior infant girl called Shaneese.......it was the size of my arm. 12 hours later, I'm still retching.

-Gill

What Was I Saying?

2009-03-25T21:45:00.004Z

Really? Yeah. What? No. Over there? Maybe. Maybe tomorrow? No can't make it. See you after then? Maybe at the reception. Bring a nice hat? No, I'm through with them.

- Fin

Responsible Drinking

2009-03-23T19:37:00.003Z

Will you ring me in a couple of minutes to make sure I don't fall asleep in the bathrooms?

-Anonymous

Body Painting

2009-03-21T13:04:00.006Z

My nipples are killin me. I think I'm havin a reaction to that nipple paint you put on my nipples. That was nipple paint wasn't it?! Because my nipples are allergic to face paint.

- Macken after having a face painted on his torso on Paddy's Day

You Can't Hide Love

2009-03-21T13:03:00.004Z

Here yeah whatever shut up ya faggot but it was good to see you again. Oh no. Fuckin shut up.

- Fin texting Gillett

Historic

2009-03-21T12:58:00.004Z

God I'm sorry. I feel like more of a failure than 1916.

- Fin

Priest

2009-03-06T20:41:00.004Z

I am currently drinking long island iced teas with a priest. Wow.

And he has just started dancing to the song I'm horny, horny horny horny. My life is now complete.

- Ian

Hobbies

2009-03-06T20:40:00.003Z

In the gym. I exercise when I'm not stewing in hatred.

- Andy when asked 'Where are you?'

Serious Sports

2009-03-06T20:37:00.004Z

Carla, I'm having a dire week in fantasy football...my title dreams are collapsing around me! I think I might have to take the ultimate step and take my own life.

- Cian

Clarification

2009-03-06T20:36:00.005Z

Hey, just reread my last text, "sleep like the dead" hope you didn't take it the wrong way. The dead do have the best sleep, there's no alarm clocks in those coffins. I think.

- Ralph

Slumber

2009-03-06T20:33:00.003Z

Lovely. Sleep like the dead.

- Ralph

Resourceful

2009-02-24T13:54:00.004Z

Ok I'm thinking I'll buy 2 nagans. Double up on the underwear. I love the cold feel of a nagan against my crotch on a summer's eve.

- Carla and her plans to sneak booze into the Trinity Ball

That's A Relief

2009-02-24T13:52:00.003Z

Good luck tomorrow lads. I can promise you the exams wont be as bad as the smell of shite on the dart I'm on at the moment.

- Tom

Tourettes Syndrome

2009-02-24T02:06:00.005Z

You’re a fucking slut and I hope you don’t die cos then you wouldn’t live life as a stupid fuckin slut whore fuck bitch fuck slut slut.

- Fin texting Carla at 7:37 a.m. from across the empty dancefloor after Fake Valentine's Rave

Celebrity Sighting

2009-02-22T20:18:00.003Z

Just had Dustin Hoffman walk in front of me. Fuckin midget.

- Paddy in New York

Busy Boy

2009-02-19T20:24:00.002Z

Apart from that my schedule is as busy as a Georgian Tourist Office.

- Ralph

Encouragement

2009-02-19T20:21:00.003Z

Best of luck! You can do it! And fuck it anyways if you can't.

- Joyce during exams

Running Late

2009-02-18T15:30:00.003Z

Are you building the bus?!

-Gill

Tall Orders

2009-02-18T15:27:00.003Z

Excellent, this better be good. I'm expecting 8 courses at least. And a one-legged Indian Sitar player.

-Niamh

Passing Time

2009-02-16T23:32:00.003Z

No worries. I'll find someone to shag in the toilets til you arrive.

- Carla waiting for Aimee and Zara at The Klaxons gig.

Slight Mix Up

2009-02-16T23:28:00.004Z

I thought he was saying 'this is bad, I shouldn't be doing this, I'm gay'. Turns out he isn't GAY, he's enGAged. Oops.

- Rachel the morning after the night before

Passing On Messages

2009-02-16T23:25:00.004Z

Aimee: Ciaran says he will and Dave says penis.

Mark: I'm back in Ireland until I go to France. Dave says go fuck yourself.

Suspects

2009-02-16T23:18:00.006Z

Andy: Well at least you know you can have a career as a sex line worker.

Carla: Wow, have I just fallen victim to sexual harassment?

Fin: I think it qualifies. So you reckon you know them? And they were actually jerkin off?

Carla: I think so. They also said can I tell you a secret. I've a tiny dick. So I hung up.

Fin: Well it's definitely not me cos my dick is fucking huge.

Carla: I'll be sure to tell the police that when they are profiling for potential suspects.

Fin: They know.

Carla: Oh yeah, sure it got you into trouble last time when they were searching for Uncle Yum Yums the notorious paedophile.

Fin: It most certainly did. Thankfully we got that mix up behind us and I can go back to working in the crèche. I missed it a lot. Those kids get me so fucking hot sometimes, like you wouldn't believe. Wait…keep that to yourself.

- After Carla receives a phonecall from a heavy breather

In Vitro

2009-02-16T23:16:00.002Z

I guess we're going to have to do the whole sperm in a cup thing in order to have your babies. Wont be the same but I wont be happy until I have little Zara's running around.

- Sandy

Maintenance

2009-02-16T23:09:00.008Z

Carla: Oh my god, it was like the amazon down there.

Fin: Well she is staunch English. Probably looks at it twice a decade only after 15 gin and tonics.

- Discussing the unkempt nature of a woman's vagine in a movie.

Webtexting

2009-02-16T23:09:00.007Z

Ah Zaz you're not fooling anyone. Web texting is a part of who you are. It's a widely known fact that you were even web texting from the womb. "If you're gonna have more kids, I'm gonna wreck this place on the way out" was one of your most memorable womb texts.

- Ralph

Good Times

2009-02-16T23:06:00.003Z

I was watching the True Hollywood story of Heath Ledger. Very sad. Also reminded me of when we went to see Dark Knight. Good times!

- Sandy

Political Propaganda

2009-02-11T19:29:00.005Z

To the tune of Cocaine by JJ Cale/Eric Clapton

If you want taxes down,
Down on the ground,
McCain

If you wanna win war,
Just like before,
McCain

He don't lie, he don't lie, he don't lie - McCain

If Osama's about,
You gotta...take him out,
McCain

If the economy's shit,
You gotta deal with it,
McCain

He won't die, he won't die, he won't die - McCain

- Drew

Words Fail Me

2009-02-11T19:22:00.004Z

Locked out. Sadness. Keys. Your desk. I believe. Misery. Can't speak.

- Shaun

I Wish...

2009-02-11T19:16:00.004Z

I wish she was wearing snow and nothing else and I had an electric heater.

- Dave during an X factor performance

Master Of Deception

2009-02-11T19:04:00.003Z

Yeah hair straightener burn is going well as an excuse so far.

- Gill on concealing a hickie on her neck from her parents

I'd Love To

2009-02-11T19:02:00.003Z

Sounds like a larf. Drinks sound good. I lost all my number so I don't know who I'm talking to?

- Fergal effectively agreeing to go to New Young Pony Club with strangers

Spelling Bee

2009-02-11T19:01:00.003Z

I'm about to pump the shiv out of them. I'm drunk Zara. So drunk. I could did. Dieg. Frie. Die.

- Carla

Until?

2009-02-11T18:55:00.002Z

I'll tell you, it's all fun and games until someone gets a lickout.

- Anonymous

Identity Crisis

2009-02-11T01:10:00.005Z

2:54 a.m: Hi Zara. It's Ian. How are you? Can you get me maths notes in the morning? It's Ian by the way. Why aren't you Meteor I just don't get it, you should be it's free texts once you buy 20 euro a month. I feel I could get to know the REAL Zara a lot more if you were on free texts. I just don't get it. Y? Ian.

3:10 a.m: P.s You're my favourite

- Ian

Surprise Either Way

2009-02-08T23:23:00.004Z

Yo, surprise party for Mark in ours tomorrow. Be there at 8 or get raped.

- Donal

Wake Up Call

2009-02-08T22:56:00.003Z

3:40am : I really hope this wakes you up.

6:15am: Did this wake you up?

- Dave

Turning Japanese

2009-02-08T21:04:00.004Z

I like you. You nice.

- Dave

Exam Preparation

2009-02-08T20:35:00.004Z

Exam was ok...not sure my night in Coppers prepared me that much though.

- Sandy

I Just Got A Text

Alternative Birthday Message

Bad Day

R.I.P.

Your Ma 2

Your Ma

Good Night

The Caller

VIP Balls

Is That All?

High Hopes

Another broken phone?!

Rapist's Wit

Dream Job

Here's Hoping

Model Employee

Hangover From Hell

Show Some Respect

Service With A Smile

What Do You Look For In A Woman?

That's Attractive

When I Grow Up....

The Perfect Gift

I'm Supposed To Be Studying......

Work Ethic

History Lesson

Bad Christian

Good Point

Good Christian

What's The Plan?

Kylie Minogue

What's That Over There?

Good Question

Lucky Girl

Drinking Alone

*Shudder*

Social Drinks 7

Social Drinks 6

You Philistine!

Best Of Luck

Lucky He'd Get It

Do My Shoulders Look Fat In This?

So How Was Work?

Like A Sale At Powercity...

So Thats What He's Saying...

I Hate You

Is It? Is It Really?

Don Juan

I Just Wanna Go Home

So The Gig Is Good Then?

Back Me Up Here...

Too Soon For Visitors?

Unlovely Day

I Don't Think That Will Work

Hey Mum & Dad

Just Call Me Miss Matchmaker

I Think I'll Just Have A Quiet One Tonight...

Mixed Signals

Babies Do The Cutest Things

Jetlag

Sewing

Social Drinks 5

The Joys of Teaching.....

What Was I Saying?

Responsible Drinking

Body Painting

You Can't Hide Love

Historic

Priest

Hobbies

Serious Sports

Clarification

Slumber

Resourceful

That's A Relief

Tourettes Syndrome

Celebrity Sighting

Busy Boy

Encouragement

Running Late

Shudder