Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Resourceful

Ok I'm thinking I'll buy 2 nagans. Double up on the underwear. I love the cold feel of a nagan against my crotch on a summer's eve.

- Carla and her plans to sneak booze into the Trinity Ball

That's A Relief

Good luck tomorrow lads. I can promise you the exams wont be as bad as the smell of shite on the dart I'm on at the moment.

- Tom

Tourettes Syndrome

You’re a fucking slut and I hope you don’t die cos then you wouldn’t live life as a stupid fuckin slut whore fuck bitch fuck slut slut.

- Fin texting Carla at 7:37 a.m. from across the empty dancefloor after Fake Valentine's Rave

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Celebrity Sighting

Just had Dustin Hoffman walk in front of me. Fuckin midget.

- Paddy in New York

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Busy Boy

Apart from that my schedule is as busy as a Georgian Tourist Office.


- Ralph

Encouragement

Best of luck! You can do it! And fuck it anyways if you can't.


- Joyce during exams

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Running Late

Are you building the bus?!

-Gill

Tall Orders

Excellent, this better be good. I'm expecting 8 courses at least. And a one-legged Indian Sitar player.

-Niamh

Monday, February 16, 2009

Passing Time

No worries. I'll find someone to shag in the toilets til you arrive.

- Carla waiting for Aimee and Zara at The Klaxons gig.

Slight Mix Up

I thought he was saying 'this is bad, I shouldn't be doing this, I'm gay'. Turns out he isn't GAY, he's enGAged. Oops.

- Rachel the morning after the night before

Passing On Messages

Aimee: Ciaran says he will and Dave says penis.

Mark: I'm back in Ireland until I go to France. Dave says go fuck yourself.

Suspects

Andy: Well at least you know you can have a career as a sex line worker.


Carla: Wow, have I just fallen victim to sexual harassment?

Fin: I think it qualifies. So you reckon you know them? And they were actually jerkin off?

Carla: I think so. They also said can I tell you a secret. I've a tiny dick. So I hung up.

Fin: Well it's definitely not me cos my dick is fucking huge.

Carla: I'll be sure to tell the police that when they are profiling for potential suspects.

Fin: They know.

Carla: Oh yeah, sure it got you into trouble last time when they were searching for Uncle Yum Yums the notorious paedophile.

Fin: It most certainly did. Thankfully we got that mix up behind us and I can go back to working in the crèche. I missed it a lot. Those kids get me so fucking hot sometimes, like you wouldn't believe. Wait…keep that to yourself.

- After Carla receives a phonecall from a heavy breather

In Vitro

I guess we're going to have to do the whole sperm in a cup thing in order to have your babies. Wont be the same but I wont be happy until I have little Zara's running around.

- Sandy

Maintenance

Carla: Oh my god, it was like the amazon down there.

Fin: Well she is staunch English. Probably looks at it twice a decade only after 15 gin and tonics.

- Discussing the unkempt nature of a woman's vagine in a movie.

Webtexting

Ah Zaz you're not fooling anyone. Web texting is a part of who you are. It's a widely known fact that you were even web texting from the womb. "If you're gonna have more kids, I'm gonna wreck this place on the way out" was one of your most memorable womb texts.

- Ralph

Good Times

I was watching the True Hollywood story of Heath Ledger. Very sad. Also reminded me of when we went to see Dark Knight. Good times!

- Sandy

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Political Propaganda

To the tune of Cocaine by JJ Cale/Eric Clapton

If you want taxes down,
Down on the ground,
McCain

If you wanna win war,
Just like before,
McCain

He don't lie, he don't lie, he don't lie - McCain

If Osama's about,
You gotta...take him out,
McCain

If the economy's shit,
You gotta deal with it,
McCain

He won't die, he won't die, he won't die - McCain

- Drew

Words Fail Me

Locked out. Sadness. Keys. Your desk. I believe. Misery. Can't speak.

- Shaun

I Wish...

I wish she was wearing snow and nothing else and I had an electric heater.

- Dave during an X factor performance

Master Of Deception

Yeah hair straightener burn is going well as an excuse so far.

- Gill on concealing a hickie on her neck from her parents

I'd Love To

Sounds like a larf. Drinks sound good. I lost all my number so I don't know who I'm talking to?

- Fergal effectively agreeing to go to New Young Pony Club with strangers

Spelling Bee

I'm about to pump the shiv out of them. I'm drunk Zara. So drunk. I could did. Dieg. Frie. Die.

- Carla

Until?

I'll tell you, it's all fun and games until someone gets a lickout.

- Anonymous

Identity Crisis

2:54 a.m: Hi Zara. It's Ian. How are you? Can you get me maths notes in the morning? It's Ian by the way. Why aren't you Meteor I just don't get it, you should be it's free texts once you buy 20 euro a month. I feel I could get to know the REAL Zara a lot more if you were on free texts. I just don't get it. Y? Ian.

3:10 a.m: P.s You're my favourite

- Ian

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Surprise Either Way

Yo, surprise party for Mark in ours tomorrow. Be there at 8 or get raped.

- Donal

Wake Up Call

3:40am : I really hope this wakes you up.

6:15am: Did this wake you up?


- Dave

Turning Japanese

I like you. You nice.

- Dave

Exam Preparation

Exam was ok...not sure my night in Coppers prepared me that much though.

- Sandy

Observant Driver

Great ass.

- Sandy while driving behind Carla

The Real Reason

I will never hurt a man cos I can never hurt a man... Nah really its cos I'm lesbian.

- Orna

Rottweiler

And she has the face of a Rottweiler. And the vagina. Of a Rottweiler.

- Karl about his sister

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Intellectual Conversation

Sean:
Yeah

Zara:
mm hm

Sean:
Grrr

Zara:
Mwahahahahaha!

Sean:
I'm coming to kill you.

Zara:
I'll have you reported.

Sean:
Ugh

Zara:
Mbleh

Sean:
I actually hate you.

Pencil Case

If you were a pencil case where would you be? Don't you dare say either of these:
1. Where you left it
2. Why don't you just ring it

- Gillett

What A Gent

Cool. Talk to you soon. You slut.

- Fin texting Carla

Friday, February 6, 2009

Ladies of the Night(link)

Carla:
What is it about us that attracts these fucking weirdos?

Zara:
I'm hoping the girl in front of me isn't called Carla so when I rang you there and said "Carla, I'm sitting behind you" it didn't freak her out. I did a shit on your mum.

Carla:
I did a shit on your shit....Carla, It'd feel fucking weird to have a friend called Carla. Now I know how you felt about Zara with a h.

(a few seconds later) I suppose that should have been with 'an' h. What am I? A disadvantaged gifted child?

Zara:
It was one of the top 5 weirdest moments of my life thus far. Every time I heard the name, I thought it was me being spoken to. And sometimes it wasn't Carla, sometimes it wasn't.

Carla:
Who says fat keeps you warmer? I've got loads of back fat and I'm freezing my nips off.

Carla:
Walking up my street now. I seem to remember texting Ian once saying it was like the setting of a horror. And if I died on the way home, I hope it becomes 2009's biggest blockbuster. Take that Empire!

Zara:
I'd send them a letter to the editor saying that even from beyond the grave you think they're cunts.

-Extracts from texts whilst on separate nitelinks on the way home from The Mighty Boosh.

How Bizarre, How Bazaar

Zara:
I've actually never had a Bratwurst. Maybe I'll cash in my Bratwurst V-card tomorrow.

Carla:
I hope you mean by eating one.

Zara:
You're fucking gross.

-Zara & Carla before Carla's old German school's Christmas Bazaar.

That Is Weird

I just saw Robert De Niro and Uma Thurman in a sex scene. Weird.

-Carla

Yours Sincerely

See you on the 23rd hopefully. Dress sexy.

-Dave

I don't feel so good......

I just vomitted 5 times. And I don't think I'm done yet.

-Gill has felt better

Clean Up Time

Don't worry. We're gonna get it done tonight. Living through another night the way it is would be like cuddling Kerry Katona...well it's not that bad. I'll go for cuddling Kerry Katona with a sock down her throat and a bag over her head. Plastic of course.

- Andy on cleaning Ranelagh after The Dinner Dance

Economies Of Scale

Assuming that a vodka Rockstar is 8 euro, if we drink 77 vodkas each those tickets pay for themselves.

- Ian on the VIP tickets to Slane which include and open bar

Social Drinks 4

There was nothing social about last night.

- Ian

The Inauguration

Fin:
God he screwed up the most important speech of his life.
Wouldn't a 'suck my dick America' be great to finish with.

Carla:
Or 'Thank you America. I'm not black, it's just a tan.'

Fin:
Or even better. I am a homosexual. What a bomb shell to sneak in.
Thank you. God bless America. Fuck the chinks.

Carla:
Thank you. Allah bless America.

Fin:
Long live Hamas.

- During Obama's inauguration

Ideal Pets

Andy: Good Zara.

Zara: That makes me feel like your pet dog or something.

Andy: Its an ideal I'm constantly striving towards.

Best To Wait......

Carla: Its not til next September so maybe waiting isn't such a bad idea. Chris Martin could have lost his hands by then.

Zara: Indeed. Or the bassist could have become facially disfigured.

- On purchasing Coldplay tickets in December

Speeding

Fuckin' flying up. The driver must have an erection or something.

- Gillett on the Aircoach

D4 Slang

He stuck his ridic dick in her gorge vag. Carla I've gone insane from hyperactivity. Let's stop texting now.

- Paddy

Things To Do Before You Die

Learn to light a fire without a match or lighter. Will also help for when we camp on the beach but not so much for when I punch you in the face.

- Ian adding to the list after Carla saying she'd like to punch someone in the face, be punched in the face and camp on the beach

Productivity

I am being as productive as a team of Polish Simon Cowells.

- Gillett doing his dissertation

Actually Actual

Zara
(3:44 am) I think I'm djing at an actual dj thing at this party

(3:48 am) I'm at an actual mixing table thing. I am the shit and don't you forget it.

(3:55 am) I'm actually djing at a party!

(4:05 am) I don't think you're actually appreciating that I'm actually djing.

Megan
(4:07 am) I'm in work in mere hours. I'm sure you're great.

Zara
(4:20am) I am fantastic. The crowd is going wild.

- Zara texting Megan as she djs during a Come As Soon As You Hear basement party

Fashion

I'll be there with bells on. And a feather boa...because I'm a flaming homosexual.

- Ralph on attending Carla DJing

James Bond

Carla: I assume James Bond practices safe sex. And in that case, I'd love if they'd make a realistic sex scene in which his suave persona lapses momentarily while he does the awkward grab for the condom. And if he doesn't practice safe sex...he must be riddled.

Zara: He would be riddled. He probably would have died from Aids 5 films ago.

Social Drinks 3

You and Z? Did you blast the concept out of the water? I really wanted to. And get to announce on the thread what a failed pursuit social drinks are. If it'd been any other day I would've gone back to Ralph's and whiskied my life up. Instead I'm just a social drinker. A nothing.

- Fin after hearing social drinks ended at 5 in the morning

Social Drinks 2

Social drinks is more carnage than regular carnage.

- Ian after hearing social drinks ended at 5 in the morning and with Barry getting attacked

Social Drinks

I actually saw a documentary about the Lough Ness monster, Bigfoot and social drinks the other day.

-Ralph on the existance of social drinks

The New Scientology

It's a new religion I'm setting up, Browner will be our God and we will make fluorescent offerings to him whilst intoxicated. It'll have more alcohol than in Catholicism's crappy mass wine and less death than Islamic suicide bombers.

-Ralph

That's Not How It's Spelt....

Megan: Im in Orla's...wee fit...very funny.

Zara: Its wii, unless you're doing something else...

Now That's Friendship

Carla: God I love you Zara.

Zara: I love you Carla. And I love your vagine.

Carla: Its yours. Whenever you want it. Its yours.

He Died How?

What kind of farming accident? Death by.......cow?

-Sean

Before & After

I just went into the same petrol station that I went into yesterday before Ranelagh last night. The same guy was working. Talk about a depressing before and after shot he witnessed. Same dress, same coat-but the face and hair have been ravaged by partying.

-Carla and her petrol refill of shame.

Group Trip?

We should all go cave diving some time.

-Fin whilst watching 'The Descent'.

Done and Done!

Done. And all while driving at 90mph in a thunderstorm.

-Mark and the lengths he will go to to send 'We love you' to Tully.

New Hobbies

You know those creepy people who sit in cars and watch people going into buildings? I am now one of those people.

-Gill

We're Both What?

What time do you think? No rush obviously cos we're both train wrecks.

-Carla

Double Blow

Just got the double blow from Fergal..."Cook Book"

And he's baking cookies. Oh God.

-Ian regarding the Dundalk pronounciation of a double 'o' as 'ooooo'

New Year's Best Wishes

Happy New Year. Have a good night tomorrow. Puke in a bag for me.

-Ian

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Hiya!

Not fans of Mr. Hiya

- Ian at 2am after waking Andy and Fergal and demanding they say 'Hiya' to Carla on the phone.

Scampi Fries

My cock smells of those scampi crisps that you used to get in pubs. Will I make that my facebook status?

After being advised not to...

But it would be funny. Thank you friend for saving me from myself.

- Anonymous

The Lecturer

I met the final year lecturer today. He's like a cross between Hitler and Denzel Washington: inspirational but dangerous and sort of a psycho.

- Gillett

Sword Swallowing

Fin: Make sure I don't miss anything good.

Carla: Oh my god! Zara’s vagina just swallowed a sword!


Fin: She stole my sword.


Carla: I haven’t hugged you in ages. I think 2009 is the year of the antihug.

Fin: I know how we can fight the antihug. But we have to train. Explain the confusion to zara and tell her I want my sword back. I need it to train.


Carla: You can’t train with the sword. You’ll cut your hands.


Fin: My hands are made of steel.


Carla: By steel do you mean butter?


Fin: Tell her if she doesn’t give it back, I’ll cut it out with a bigger sword. Steel means steel.

- Fin unable to attend the festivities of January 1st 2009

Drunk Dialling

I'm sorry about that. I've just had a long island ice tea as big as my head.

- Zara after calling Carla

Casual Drinks

Not a fucking hope in jesus I'm going out tonight. Went out for casual drinks last night. I've been throwing up for 3 hours this morning so far...

- Ian

January 1st

I would sooner perform sexual reassignment surgery on myself with an ice cream scoop than to go drinking right now.

- Ralph on not going out on January the 1st 2009

The Brazilian

Hey Padrick...how are you? Worship you. To want, to stary with you again, you is lovely. One tension man. Tasty. When ir to see you? One big kiss, wih best wirshes...Sorry about my English.

- Paddy's text from a Brazilian male

Megan's Pimp

Are you selling my number for alcohol?

- Megan to Zara after receiving texts from 5 different unknown numbers

Holidays

Carla: Oh god. What's is that?

Niall: It's Ralph's exit. I'm thinking of going on holidays there.

- Niall after sending Carla a photo flesh and hair

Tully being Tully

Well I suppose we wanna get started at some stage. So far we have me and Ian. Tully and Fin are just here now. Tully just fell over.

- Mark

Umbrella

You could house a small village under the umbrella I just saw a guy carrying.

- Carla

Such Good Friends

Ok I'm with Fin, we'll be ten minutes. Get back on the decks by then bitch.
Ps you is a ho.
Pss bitch.

- Carla's encouragement of Zara's djing

Penneys

Don't go to the 3rd floor. They say it's Liverpool's biggest lingerie section. I'm at the escalators by the front door.

- Ian's efforts to get Zara to leave Penneys in Liverpool

Have you been working out?

I just gave Juliette a gentle push out of the way and she actually fell over. I didn't realise I was so strong!

- Zara pushing her little sister

Showering At Night

Meine cairde - don't shower at night. Don't shower in the dark. Don't shower at night in the dark while trying to be quiet. You will skid. You will grab at everything around you. The shower screen and shower head will not save you. Your screams however will wake all who sleep in a great radius, most importantly, when people rescue you....you will be naked.

- Gill

The Kardashians

Assets to the television world. With asses that won't quit.

- Carla on the Kardashian sisters

Daniel French

I had a dream we had a huge fight NYC style. I feel there's still bad blood so my apologise. It wasn't actually me fighting with you. I was in the body of an old man in a wheelchair called Daniel French. I'm gonna google the name.

Minutes later...

There was a sculptor and an inventor. I’m guessing my dude was the inventor. Yeah his legs were bandy though.


- Caitlin

Japanese Drunk Talk

Giggles, you would love this shit. There's a smashed Japanese guy on the bus talking about his mother's tits producing Guinness. But also 'you know cunt? Heineken from cunt.'
He's also Michael Schumacher.

- Fin on the Nitelink

Chicken Dance

I've just realised that the way I'm lying in my bed is how I'd look if I'd been shot in the back whilst doing the chicken dance.

- Zara

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Alcohol

My wardrobe in Ranelagh now contains 1 litre of vodka, 1 litre of Bacardi, 2 litres of rum, 49 cans and 15 bottles. Oh god.

- Ian

Being Carla

If I was I'd be squatting over a hand mirror for days.

- Andy on being Carla

Happy Christmas

Hope santa was good! Don’t eat too much mince pie! We still have enough time so lets hope it’s a white one! Think I heard the reindeer last night but that could have been the mulled wine! Lol!

- Fin's "wretch inducing generic Christmas text"

Sheep

Haha! It’s pitch dark outside and from my window I just heard a lamb fall off the cliff! Defo in my top 5 funniest sounds! Baaaaaaaaaa…splash! Quiet.

- Conor from a lighthouse