Saturday, December 26, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Fin on sneaking into EP for free
Orna: Got pregnant by my long lost half brother just after he murdered my sexy new housemate now I've discovered I've got finger cancer and we're all holding our breath to see if little jimmy is gonna dance on his injured leg and win regionals.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
F: Softens the emotional blow if you tell a joke during.
C: Like 'I'm usually bigger, I swear. I'm just cold.'
F: Oh god. We're going to hell.
C: See you there my friend.
F: I'll be the one holding up the queue complaining about the mix up.
Forgot about food. 91 quid loss. Tossers.
- T working at a music festival bar
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I'd rather be out with a black lesbian quadraplegic. Whatever. I'll pretend to have fun.
I just can't be myself around this guy. He's nice but not the kind of person I'd want to be my friend.
I hate SO much that you made me have to go out with this guy!
I hate this shit so much! But I'll pretend like I'm having fun!
If I have to spend another night with this guy I will kill someone. Seriously!
Don't tell him I told you all that.
Please ignore all the messages I sent. I don't really mean all of it. He's ok. Just stupid.
- The messages Paddy sent his dad on a night out with a German house guest he'd been put in charge of looking after for the night.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
- Macken after having a face painted on his torso on Paddy's Day
Friday, March 6, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
- Fin texting Carla at 7:37 a.m. from across the empty dancefloor after Fake Valentine's Rave
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Andy: Well at least you know you can have a career as a sex line worker.
Carla: Wow, have I just fallen victim to sexual harassment?
Fin: I think it qualifies. So you reckon you know them? And they were actually jerkin off?
Carla: I think so. They also said can I tell you a secret. I've a tiny dick. So I hung up.
Fin: Well it's definitely not me cos my dick is fucking huge.
Carla: I'll be sure to tell the police that when they are profiling for potential suspects.
Fin: They know.
Carla: Oh yeah, sure it got you into trouble last time when they were searching for Uncle Yum Yums the notorious paedophile.
Fin: It most certainly did. Thankfully we got that mix up behind us and I can go back to working in the crèche. I missed it a lot. Those kids get me so fucking hot sometimes, like you wouldn't believe. Wait…keep that to yourself.- After Carla receives a phonecall from a heavy breather
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
If you want taxes down,
Down on the ground,
If you wanna win war,
Just like before,
He don't lie, he don't lie, he don't lie - McCain
If Osama's about,
You gotta...take him out,
If the economy's shit,
You gotta deal with it,
He won't die, he won't die, he won't die - McCain
3:10 a.m: P.s You're my favourite
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
What is it about us that attracts these fucking weirdos?
I'm hoping the girl in front of me isn't called Carla so when I rang you there and said "Carla, I'm sitting behind you" it didn't freak her out. I did a shit on your mum.
I did a shit on your shit....Carla, It'd feel fucking weird to have a friend called Carla. Now I know how you felt about Zara with a h.
(a few seconds later) I suppose that should have been with 'an' h. What am I? A disadvantaged gifted child?
It was one of the top 5 weirdest moments of my life thus far. Every time I heard the name, I thought it was me being spoken to. And sometimes it wasn't Carla, sometimes it wasn't.
Who says fat keeps you warmer? I've got loads of back fat and I'm freezing my nips off.
Walking up my street now. I seem to remember texting Ian once saying it was like the setting of a horror. And if I died on the way home, I hope it becomes 2009's biggest blockbuster. Take that Empire!
I'd send them a letter to the editor saying that even from beyond the grave you think they're cunts.
-Extracts from texts whilst on separate nitelinks on the way home from The Mighty Boosh.
- Andy on cleaning Ranelagh after The Dinner Dance
God he screwed up the most important speech of his life.
Wouldn't a 'suck my dick America' be great to finish with.
Or 'Thank you America. I'm not black, it's just a tan.'
Or even better. I am a homosexual. What a bomb shell to sneak in.
Thank you. God bless America. Fuck the chinks.
Thank you. Allah bless America.
Long live Hamas.
- During Obama's inauguration
Zara: Indeed. Or the bassist could have become facially disfigured.
- On purchasing Coldplay tickets in December
- Ian adding to the list after Carla saying she'd like to punch someone in the face, be punched in the face and camp on the beach
(3:44 am) I think I'm djing at an actual dj thing at this party
(3:48 am) I'm at an actual mixing table thing. I am the shit and don't you forget it.
(3:55 am) I'm actually djing at a party!
(4:05 am) I don't think you're actually appreciating that I'm actually djing.
(4:07 am) I'm in work in mere hours. I'm sure you're great.
(4:20am) I am fantastic. The crowd is going wild.
- Zara texting Megan as she djs during a Come As Soon As You Hear basement party
Zara: He would be riddled. He probably would have died from Aids 5 films ago.
- Fin after hearing social drinks ended at 5 in the morning
-Carla and her petrol refill of shame.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Carla: Oh my god! Zara’s vagina just swallowed a sword!
Fin: She stole my sword.
Carla: I haven’t hugged you in ages. I think 2009 is the year of the antihug.
Fin: I know how we can fight the antihug. But we have to train. Explain the confusion to zara and tell her I want my sword back. I need it to train.
Carla: You can’t train with the sword. You’ll cut your hands.
Fin: My hands are made of steel.
Carla: By steel do you mean butter?
Fin: Tell her if she doesn’t give it back, I’ll cut it out with a bigger sword. Steel means steel.
- Fin unable to attend the festivities of January 1st 2009
There was a sculptor and an inventor. I’m guessing my dude was the inventor. Yeah his legs were bandy though.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
- Fin's "wretch inducing generic Christmas text"